I sometimes hear from couples who really do want to make things work after one of them cheated and had an affair. But, they can't stop the endless fighting. They can't seem to turn around LatinFeels.com Reviews the negativity that has developed between them. They might envision a healed marriage and a fresh start, but they are having a hard time moving toward that place because they can't stop pushing each other's buttons and lashing out.
I might hear a comment like:
"there are days when I absolutely hate my husband for cheating on me. My
mother's husband cheated on her. My friend's husband cheated on her. And I have
had to watch wonderful women who I love struggle and hurt because a man
couldn't act with integrity. I have hated these men. I thought they were losers
who couldn't see the beautiful women right in from of them. I thought that they
were liars and cheats. I told myself I could never be with that type of man.
And now here I am married to a man who is no better than them. So yes, I have a
lot of pent up anger toward my husband. And it comes out all of the time. I say
nasty and hurtful things to him. And he will strike back and say that it is no
wonder he cheated because I am so cold and abrasive. And it a vicious cycle. We
will have a good day or two and seem to make some progress. And then something
will come up and I will be furious and I will lash out at him again. Then he
will say something horrible back to me to justify his cheating. And before I
know it, we're screaming at one another. I went into this saying that I wanted
to save my marriage. LatinFeels But, I
just don't think that it's going to be possible. Do people ever save their
marriages after an affair when they can't move past the fighting?"
Breaking The Cycle Of Anger: My
answer to this is yes. I know this to be true because I have experienced it
myself. But I have to tell you that turning the corner and tapering down and
stopping the fighting doesn't just magically happen. It takes work. It takes
learning new ways to communicate. It takes having control and disrupting yourself
when you want to lash out. It requires that you don't engage with him even when
he's trying to push your buttons. And it helps greatly if you are both on board
and agree to turn this around.
Frankly, it also helps quite a bit
if you have a counselor or third party to help you identify your triggers and
then to coach you on new ways to address them. However, I do realize that not
everyone wants or can go to counseling. I believe that it's possible to
redirect your marriage without counseling, but it requires a great deal of
effort, self help, LatinFeels.com and self
recognition. You have to get into the habit of watching your marriage and your
actions almost like an outsider so that you can objectively see what is at play
here. This can take quite a bit of determination. But I believe that it is
possible.
The Natural Progression Of Things:
I can also tell you this, which you might find to be encouraging. Even if you
do nothing at all, the shock and anger does just naturally fade in time. I
don't want to insinuate that you just naturally will let go of your anger
without working through it. That is not what I mean. But what I am saying is
that the intensity of the anger does wane. Because it is exhausting to maintain
that high level of emotion all of the time. So just because of that alone,
things may begin to improve. When you are not as angry, you will not lash out
as much and he will therefore not respond. This will break the cycle somewhat.
Understanding What Is Underneath
The Anger: You have to be careful to not push your spouse's buttons and vice
verse because you are right. It's very hard to make progress with your marriage
and eventually save it when you can't heal because of the fighting. Starting
out this way doesn't mean that your marriage is over. It just means that you
have a lot of work to do. Much of the time, the anger is based on fear and
resentment. You are scared that your life and your marriage is never going to
right again. You feel that he has taken your happiness and your peace of mind
away.
But here is something that you
might not realize. It took me way to long to realize this, but I eventually
did. You don't need his cooperation for your own peace of mind and happiness.
You can work on these things separate from him, separate from the affair, and
separate from your marriage. You can restore your happiness and peace of mind
without things needing to go perfectly as far as your marriage is concerned.
You can work on your own healing without his input. And do you know what
happens when you do? Your resentment and your anger fades. You stop lashing out
so much because you know that you are going to be fine no matter what happens.
And when your anger fades, his
cooperation increases. When these two things happen at once, you're both more
likely to work together more and fight less. This is why I don't think that
this situation is helpless. It's quite common. And, with work and
determination, it can be overcome.
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