I sometimes hear from people who truly don't understand why they aren't feeling sorrow and remorse for being unfaithful to their spouse. Most will tell you that if you had told them a year ago that they would have cheated on or betrayed their spouse, they never would have believed it. In fact, many of them consider themselves to be the type Bumble.com Reviews of people who never, ever, would cheat. So when they do, the expectation would be that they couldn't express enough remorse. When this isn't the case, they sometimes don't understand why.
An example of the type of comment
that I might hear is something like: "before I ever get into what I have
done, I have to tell you that I consider myself to be a very honest, trust
worthy, and honorable person. I am the type of person who will always point it
out if I am given the wrong change or if someone hasn't charged me enough at
the check out line. I am honest to a fault. I always try to do the right thing.
So it is totally out of character of me to cheat on my spouse. I have never
cheated on any one before. It is not like me. And that's why I don't understand
why I don't feel remorse or guilt. My husband has not always been the best
husband, Bumble that is
true. He is a high powered professional who is never home. He leaves me to
raise the kids by myself. I have asked him for more time and more support and
his response is to ask me who I think pays for the lifestyle that I seem to
like very much. I would rather have more of my husband's time and less of his
money and I have told him the same. He isn't active in his children's lives. He
sometimes treats me like the hired help. Deep down, I know that he loves me. I
know that he is juggling a lot of things. But he is not good at showing love
and giving time. So yes, I cheated with the father of my children's friend.
This man's wife is also a high powered executive and she is never home either.
He knows what I am going through and we relate to each other. He listens. He
cares. He appreciates me. To be quite honest about it, I didn't think my
husband was going to care all that much when he found out I was cheating. But he
appears to be devastated and he demanded we go to counseling. When we are
there, he will get very emotional about how hurt he is by all of this. And I
know that when I hear the hurt in his voice, I should feel remorseful and
guilty Bumble.com but I
don't. I feel nothing. And part of me thinks that he brought this on himself.
What is wrong with me?"
I didn't think that there was
anything wrong with this wife. I didn't think that she was an unfeeling or cold
person. She was actually having a very typical response, especially in the
early stages of cheating. It's very normal to shut down your emotions toward
your spouse when you are cheating. Why? Because in order to carry out the
cheating, you need to feel justified in it. This is especially true when you
are an honorable and conscientious person like this wife was. If you weren't
grappling with some serious issues, then you likely wouldn't have been able to
cheat. So, in order to shut down all of these emotions, you either dull or deny
your feelings for your spouse, or you focus on his flaws, or both.
And that is why, when it all comes
to light and the cheating is found out, you may still be a little indignant and
a little distant from him. You've gotten very good at being able to separate
yourself from him because you have had to. So it's understandable that you
aren't overcome with emotion toward him now. You may also feel some loyalty (or
attachment to) the other man and therefore are further shutting down your
feelings toward your spouse.
This doesn't mean that you won't
ever feel remorse though. And, the wife in the above scenario certainly didn't
strike me as someone who could do something like this and not know that it was
wrong. My opinion on this is admittedly biased, but I believe that most people
know in their hearts that cheating is wrong, regardless of whatever
justification they might have felt. It is always a choice to cheat regardless
of the circumstances surrounding it. I am sure that the wife knew this. Many
honest, caring, and integrity filled people hold back their emotions here as a
form of self preservation. Because they know that if they let even a hint of
emotion out, then it's all going to come pouring out like water rushing out of
a compromised dam.
So they keep a stiff upper lip,
they tell themselves that their spouse deserved it, and they deny feeling any
guilt or remorse. Usually as time passes, this begins to shift. They begin to
see the person sitting across from them as a real person again and as their
spouse. And they begin to realize that no matter what he may have done or what
mistakes that he made, he didn't deserve this type of secrecy and betrayal. And
whether you want to save your marriage or stay in the other relationship, you
have to know that what you did was very hurtful. And I doubt that you would
want for your spouse to do the same to you.
I don't want to be discouraging
because it is clear that the wife was a good person. She had likely shut down
her emotions in order to get through this situation. And I suspected that if
she continued on with the counseling, she would eventually experience the more
typical emotions in this scenario which is guilt for betraying your spouse,
whether you want to still be married or not. It's a gradual process but in time
you will likely look around and realize how far you've come.
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