I sometimes hear from people whose cheating spouse truly wants to "even the score." What I mean by that is that the cheating spouse has become tired of being the bad guy in the relationship. Bumble.com Reviews They are tired of their spouse bringing up how much they have been hurt. They are tired of the fact that it feels as if no matter what they do, the affair is always thrown up in their face. So, they often wish that their spouse would make their own mistake in order to even the playing field so to speak. And one way that they will attempt to accomplish this is to encourage their own spouse to cheat on them. Needless to say, not every faithful spouse is excited about this. Many would never even consider it. But they aren't sure how to handle it when their spouse continues to insist on this.
As an example, I heard from a wife
who said: "my husband cheated on me with our housekeeper of all things. He
said it only happened a couple of times and it meant nothing to him. He doesn't
understand why I'm so hurt and angry. He doesn't get why I don't trust him and
am always suspicious of him now. And he has no patience with this process. He
gets angry at me when I question him or ask for concessions, as if I don't
deserve a little bit of extra attention and consideration. The other day, he
got angry at me when I asked him why he came home late. And then he blurted out
that he wanted for me to cheat on him because he wants us to be even so that I
will back off about his cheating. I told him that this was ridiculous, but he
continued to insist. Bumble I was very
mad about this. And then when the anger ended, I was hurt. I wouldn't and
couldn't cheat on my husband. This just isn't in my make up. What kind of man
tells his wife to go out and have an affair just to ease his own burden and
guilt? Sometimes, I think that there is no hope for us. Is there?"
Well, I am not the one to answer
that question, although I think that it always hope. This was a decision for
the wife to make. But I agreed with her that her husband's suggestion was
highly inappropriate and in absolutely horrible taste. And if she did want to
eventually save her marriage, she would need to make her husband understand
this. I'll offer some explanations as to why he might be doing this and then
explain how I might handle this.
He May Know That You Would Never
Cheat. He's Trying To Take Some Heat Off Of Himself: It's not at all unusual
for a cheating husband to try very hard to posture in order to take the heat
off of himself. Sometimes, he will be cooperative and remorseful in the
beginning. Bumble.com But always
having to make amends and always being the bad guy in the equation can get old
fast.
So he starts to wonder what he can
do to get you to back off a little bit. Some men will try to become more
combative hoping that you will want to avoid the conflict and will therefore
back away. This whole "go ahead and have an affair so that we're even
strategy" is an example of that. It's likely that your husband knows you
very well and also knows that you are not going to take him up on this offer.
His hope is probably that you will reassure him that you would never cheat and
then back off a little. In that way, he will have achieved his goal and he
never really risked anything.
How To Handle This: If you don't
address this and you back away, then he has reached his goal and his strategy
has worked. Only you know if this is acceptable to you. Because admittedly,
there comes a point in this process where you just want to heal and you don't need
or want for everything to be full of conflict every day. But, there is also a
point where you need to take up for yourself and let your husband know that you
find the suggestion somewhat offensive and counter to his claims that he wants
to make things right.
You might say: "I really want
to hope that you don't mean that. I hope that this is just your frustration
talking. Because if you were really serious that you would have your own wife
cheat on you just so you wouldn't have to face the consequences of the affair,
that would be extremely disappointing and that would say a lot about where you
are in this process. In order for us to heal, we need to trust that we are both
going to be faithful in our marriage from this point forward. If you don't
believe that and are not committed to it, then we are much further apart than I
thought. We have more work to do than I thought. I'm willing to listen to what
you have to say. Because I think that this is only your frustration talking, at
least I hope so. "
Then, listen to what he has to say.
He may very well tell you that he didn't really mean it. Or, he may be
combative again, having not gotten the message the first time. This is one
example of when you'll need to decide where you stand and how you are going to
communicate the same. But I agreed with the wife wholeheartedly. This
suggestion was absurd. Being unfaithful to a cheating spouse isn't
"evening the score," it's creating additional problems onto an
already problematic situation.
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